I know you didn't see that coming.
Marina is now a young widow.
Since her husband has been dead for a long time, she's no longer in mourning as she use to be.
Marina still has a bit of imagination in her. It helps her keep her sadness off her mind. Kinda like how some people blow off steam by doing something else. Her biggest dream is to become an explorer and she's hoping one day to set out to find a certain species. But the one thing that keeps her in Fantasy Land is that she cannot draw out her sword without the boys being nearby.
I hope this update will be be enjoyable to everyone.
And I will soon submit a drawing of what Marina's late husband looks like and I will mention him some more in future chapters. I promise.
If there are any spelling or grammar errors, please tell.
EDIT!!! I took out the intro. Everyone pointed it out and I saw that it was pointless. I added a few things more about her first husband and all. And more will be mention later.
Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Pluto Pup, Daisy Duck, Clarabelle Cow © The Walt Disney Company
John Silver © href="disney.com">The Walt Disney Company
Marina Seadrift © DisneyFan-01
Like this formatting? Custom Coding by Shadow20X6
Anyway, I found this really interesting. It is nice to see the Disney Characters together. I have never played Kingdom Hearts. I think Marina is interesting with her imagination. But I wonder does she possibly have a mental illness? I do NOT mean that as an insult. As someone who struggles with mental illness myself I LOVE seeing disabled characters in any form of medium. Her imagination just seems very strong for someone her age. Does she have some minor Schizophrenia or even Autism?
Still, I like this so far. I will continue!
I wouldn't say it's a mental illness. She just has an overactive imagination that she uses to enhance her dreams of becoming an explorer and because it keeps her out of depression since the loss of her husband.
You can barely see the flag in the Disney opening. All I can make out is some sort of seal or coat of arms. It must be the same coat of arms seen at Cinderella's castle in Disneyworld. In the center of the shield are three lions. You can google it under the Disney Coat of Arms.
But I would prefer maybe Mickey's silhouette in the center of the coat.
Anywho, I made Marina into a widow to help develop her character a bit better. It works a little here and there. The reason why she's too happy-go-lucky is her environment. The day she lost her husband was the worst day you could imagine for her. With her heart broken for so long and shedding tears for him almost every day, her friends and family stayed by her side for comfort and that really helped. And besides, don't you think if person was raised by Mickey and the gang, they would be a little happy-go-lucky? Marina just likes to use her imagination to keep her mind off her sadness and other things like that.
If she ever had the chance to actually sail, there wasn’t a doubt she would run into the dangers that lurked in the shadows—dangers such as pirates. The only thing that held her back was her inability to fight the way she was trained with her real sword unless she was within range of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.
Right as Marina swung at the ball again, she missed and the bungee cord quickly wrapped around the pole. In Marina’s mind, she and Blackbeard had their blades crossed and were forcing their strength upon each other. Blackbeard was a very strong man but his brutal muscle and size wasn’t going to stop her. The fumes of the smoke rising from his beard were toxic and brought tears to her eyes, but this was a fight she had to win.
++ The words in bold completely threw me off in the middle of the imaginative intense swordfight between Marina and Blackbeard. You are explaining her role as an explorer who uses their imagination. (You have already explained her role as an explorer in previous paragraphs and bringing it up again in the wrong spot doesn't make it flow right. If you choose, you may place the bold parts that I've specified back to where you were explaining Marina's personality, give or take a few word changes here and there.)
++ "Alongside" is one word.
++ My last and final advice to you would be if given the chance sometime, when you look over your previous parts and sections, that you read the chapter aloud to yourself and determine whether a sentence sounds right or whether it could use a few word changes.
That is all, my dear~ I hope to see more of your work later on in my free time,
From a Disney Fan to another
One thing I could mention, could you put links to the next chapters in your author's notes? That's what I do with my fanfics, and it makes it a lot easier when there's, say, fifty-odd chapters to read.
And why not make Marina totally schitzo?? That would be ... cool, actually. XD
I read some old versions of your story, and let me tell you that you have been improving quite a lot. I hope you don't mind me leaving a critique of your latest revision of this chapter, because despite it being a huge improvement from earlier versions, it still has it's issues.
Let me talk about your main character; much like the story she is in, Marina's character has improved quite a bit with all the changes you gave her... or at least she would have if those changes had actually affected her character. In this latest revision, you introduce her as a thirty-two year old widow dealing with the loss of her husband, I thought this was a brilliant asset to the character: now she had an actual conflict in her life, and the story would revolve around her getting over her grief and learning to love another man! This was brilliant, and yet you tossed it out the window by saying that she got over her husband's death already. What a waste. I mean, why did you do that?
Also, I have a problem with Marina's so-called imagination, because by the way you describe it, it seems like Marina has a mental illness of some sort; she appears to be delusional and maybe even schizophrenic. Again, this has the potential to make Marina more compelling, but you don't give any explanation to why she acts like this, and the way the other characters react to her "imagination" is unrealistic (trust me, even if Marina was a child, her adoptive family would and should be worried that the kid apparently has trouble differentiating fiction from reality). Marina's behavior could be explained as a means to deal with the death of her husband, but since you claim that she got over the loss, then this tendency to act like a child seems very pointless; there appears to be no reason for it.
I'm going to read the rest of the story, and I may post more advice if I feel there's something off about your story. I'm just hoping it isn't as episodic and Kingdom Hearts-esque as your earlier versions were.
I hope my advice was helpful, even if a little. Keep trying with your story, because you are improving, and you are sure to get even better if you keep trying.
And, she is a little schizophrenic. Not seriously, but just a little. I researched this and found that it can happen to a person with a big imagination. It's not a threat to one's life or anything, but can be seen as something playful like a child pretending to be something else. Besides, this is one of her flaws.
Well, Marina being schizophrenic is fine, but remember, if you are going to use that as a character flaw, then you should treat it as such: make Marina try to improve her condition, make the other characters treat her schizophrenia seriously and make them try to help her differentiate reality from her delusions, make your character improve her schizophrenia as a form of development.
Thanks for taking time for reading my comment.
Did you have the part where Marina isn't sure whether or not she imagined Silver before in this series of Faith of the Heart? Anyhow, I like the imagery that you have starting from "The sun was warm on her face..."
I'm not entirely sure but the part where it says "Those were some of the best days of Marina's life. However their marriage lasted for less than five years" I think you could maybe combine those two sentences like say "of Marina's life; however their marriage..."
It just seemed kind of choppy...well, not entirely choppy but it's good to have a bit of sentence variety.
If I sound nit-picky or something here please forgive me.
There isn't much to compare in similarities. Robert was a royal guard while Silver is a pirate. But Marina later finds that Silver has something that she always fell for in a man. Green eyes (even though he only has one.)
Elayne pretty much gave you the best advice when it came to grammar. Others have already said everything I had already thought.
One big thing you need to work on is how wordy some sentences are. Like this part towards the end.
"He took a hold of her hand and added"
It would probably be better written like this, "He took her hand,"
Short, simple and to the point. It's obvious he is still talking to her. A quick break to show some action isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't need to be exaggerated.
Remember, sometimes less is more.
The entire top paragraph needs to go. Those details would be better told throughout the story, not right off the bat. We, the reader, shouldn't know everything right away. Give us a reason to keep guessing and reading.
Also, work on the showing vs. telling rule. It's one of the hardest things to work on, but the reward is great. It might help to read books about writing as a whole.
As for Marina, I won't touch that. Everyone else has already said enough I should think.
People here complain that Marina is too immature for a 30 year old woman, and I agree, she is too immature. I think it could be made to work though if this immaturity was portrayed as abnormal and strange in the eyes of other characters (not that everyone would hate her for it, but perhaps some find it kind of irritating). Perhaps Marina has such a sheltered background that she never really matured properly. She could have been the perfect example of the pure and innocent disney girl who talks to animals, sings about her dreams of "something more", and finds her prince. The dead husband could work, his mention in the beginning is a bit rushed but in the story in general I think it is more plausible. It could be like Marina had her fairy tale romance and wedding like the disney princesses yet it didn't end at happily ever after, her husband died and she had to move back home because she couldn't cope without him. Then perhaps Marina retreated further into her childlike imagination to try and cope, started acting like she was still the young girl she was before meeting her husband in order to keep a brave face. I'm simply thinking of a disney princess who didn't have her perfect ending and is subconsciously coping by reverting back into her innocent pre-marital self.
This would allow Marina to be childish but at the same time make it a flaw of hers that she needs to overcome somewhat. It just would need to be reflected in the writing that this is an unusual trait, not something that you'd see as normal in a 30-something woman.
Just my opinion though.
A lot of the information about Marina's past is rushed, and I personally would save it for a little later in the fanfiction. It really sounds more like what Marina would say, perhaps, if she and another character were sitting and talking while on guard duty together during the adventure or something.
The deceased husband is a good addition, but it's something else that should be woven in a little more smoothly. Instead of just saying "I married my beloved Robert and then he died in a war", the story flow would go at a nicer pace to introduce him gradually, for example "'Home is nice, but there is nothing like seeing the world,' Robert always told me. Ah, my poor, beloved Robert!" And then, later in the fic, it would be revealed that Robert was Marina's husband, and that he died in the war.
I will also say that the addition of Robert makes me wonder if Marina's overly cheerful attitude is a bit of a mask, especially if, say, he had been drawn to her sunny nature and she was determined to honor his memory by keeping on a brave face. It would also explain her great desire to travel, especially there was something like she and Robert had been planning to go exploring together, but he died before they had a chance. Don't hesitate to develop the relationship Marina had with her husband. It will deepen her character and make her more interesting.
So all in all, your story has a lot of potential. You just need to keep your eyes open for opportunities for the characters.
One last thing, which I've noticed in your fanfiction and with the illustrated sections you did. Before you go through this story, you should sit down and figure out exactly what tone you are going for. I was reading through your Scars of a Cyborg, and it looks like you're interested in doing a bit of a darker, grittier Disney story. There is nothing wrong with that, but just remember that if you do that, you can't necessarily fall back on other Disney tropes. For example, Disney has long been adamant about not implying sex with their characters, hence why romances tend to end with hugs and kisses. As a result, their characters act like people who are ending romance with a kiss. If you want your characters to have sex (and there is nothing wrong with that, like I said), you have to remember to write your characters accordingly.
You really need to grab the audience's attention with the first line. 'This is my life' is just such a... generic, bland, and trite statement. It makes me think 'And this is mine, what's your point?'.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again; The first paragraph is just needless exposition. It would probably be best if you got rid of it altogether.
Also, (and I've been meaning to ask you this for a while), is this story about how Marina and Silver fell in love? Or is it a sub-plot? Is it about saving the world(s) from the Nightmares?
I think the other thing is that "This is my life" is kind of awkward in the context of what comes after. Something like "This story is my life" might work better. That, or laying out a scenario and ending with "This is my life".
Now, a point-blank statement is a very good way of giving insight into Marina's mind, or the situation she is in. For example, something like "I was raised in a castle and may die on a pirate ship" is a simple enough statement, but it's one that raises questions from the start. Who is this person that she was raised in a castle? How did she get from there to a pirate ship? Why is she going to die? How did this all happen? It leaves your story open for possibilities, and keeps your readers interested as they wait to see what will happen.
The tricky thing about giving information in the opening of a story is what information you give. One detail might ruin the entire ending and leave your readers bored. Another detail will be just cryptic and confusing enough that it will keep the readers guessing until the end, when the pieces all fall into place.
As with 'It was the best of times...'. I love Dickens, and this is one of my favorite opening lines. He says 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness...' and etc. all these contradictions. It was a big political statement about how every era is something special and that something special depends on what side you're on. By the way (in my version at least) this is not a simple opening line. It goes on for quite a while.
Your line is merely 'This is my life.'. The questions I ask are 'What about it?' and 'Why should I care?'. It's not very gripping, so I wouldn't normally read the rest, but since I planned to critique your grammar I went ahead. By the end of the paragraph, I read nothing that justified the statement 'This is my life.' being your opening line.
Writing a great opening line is difficult, but not impossible.
And I just got this hilarious mental image of 'The Sixth Sense' opening with Bruce Willis turning to the camera and saying 'Btdubz, I'm dead, guys. Just a heads up.'.
The last line in prologue blatantly tells us what the main plot will be about, it killed any kind of suspense for me.
When a woman has experienced first the death of a parent, marriage and then the death of a husband she claimed to love, I would expect them to she effected by it. At best, she would be more mature than usual and not take things for granted the way people who has not suffered any loses sometimes do. At worst they would be traumatized and bitter towards life. Marina's childish happy-go-lucky attitude makes no sense. It seems like you have just thrown in a tragic past to make your character more likeable.
The scene Mickey holds Marina's hand and walks her back is downright creepy. Sorry, there IS somethings wrong with having the mind of a 5 year old and being in your thirties. There is also something wrong with such a person still living with her parents and not only do they treat her like a child, they even praise it? do they not care about her mental development?
No matter how you excuse her behaviour, it's still creepy.