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Faith of the Heart

Part 1: Chapter 1
FIRST SIGHT



Written by DisneyFan-01
HTML Coding by Shadow20X6


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It was the morning of the Anniversary to the Reign of the Great Sorcerer.  Everyone in the kingdom was preparing for the big celebration.  Decorations were going up around the streets, lights were strung up around the castle, and thousands of fireworks were loading for the night spectacular.  It was planned to be an anniversary greater than all the years before.  This celebration was similar to the ways New Years Eve, but it was all for the honor of the former ruler of Magic Kingdom.  If not for his wonders and teachings, King Mickey would never had become perhaps the greatest king anyone could know.

The biggest preparation was going on inside the palace where a large party was going to take place.  Queen Minnie was helping out with the decorations.  Lovely blue ribbons were being hung in the ballroom.  Large bouquets of roses were placed everywhere that the whole room smelled of their lovely scent.  A large banquet of food was being placed on a long table for the guests.  Everything was going great and the celebration was probably going to be one of the best yet to come.  

"Yes, that goes there!" Minnie told the caterers.  "Be careful now!"

Even though she was Queen, Minnie never mind taking charge of parties.  After all, throwing a party for any kind of celebration was one of her favorite things to do.

"Wonderfully done, Minnie," said Clarabelle Cow, the Head of the Household.  "Your decorations have always been the best."

"Thank you," Minnie smiled.

"Of course, I think those tables over there could use a few more flowers.  Marina!" Clarabelle looked around the room realizing that there was no one around by that name.  "Where did she go?"

"Don't worry.  I told her she could take a break.  She's been arranging flowers all morning."

"Oh, phooey," Daisy Duck, the Lady in Waiting, scoffed.  "Knowing her, she might forget the time and start with her exploration daydreams again."

"Oh, cut her a little slack, Daisy," King Mickey said as he approached the ladies.  "There's nothing wrong with a little daydreaming for an explorer like her.  I'll go look for her and get her back in time."



Marina had snuck her way out of the castle gardens through the back door in the rose walls, carefully walked down the hill, and entered the forest.  The sun was warm on her face and her long brown hair shimmered in the golden light that shined through the leaves.  Her sea blue eyes gazed up at the majestic trees.  A smile grew upon her face as she breathed in deeply.  She was once again in her favorite place to be.

The lovely scent of pine and evergreen filled the air.  The old oak trees towered the canopy as though they were the rulers of the forest.  Even though they were majestic, many of them seemed to be giggling at Marina, watching her go to her favorite spot.  She walked deeper into the woods listening to the birds chirping, the squirrels chattering, and the leaves making music in the wind.

It was at least a quarter of a mile walk out into the woods until she finally came to an opening that had a steep downhill drop.  Within the opening was an old tool shack and cabin that was abandoned many years after the forest's overseer passed away.  The old cabin of the overseer's, however, was collapsed leaving behind a large pile of wood and stone covered with vines, moss, and some wild flowers.  Placed on the top of the pile was a small flag of the kingdom Marina placed there years before to claim her discovery of the place.  The old tool shack stayed up after Marina discovered it when she was a little girl and she restored it as much as a child could do.  It was such a wonderful place to her as she grew up;  a perfect spot to go when she felt down, bored, or just wanted to go for a walk.  It was once a spot where she and her husband used to spend some time together to just talk and kiss.  The two of them were a nice young couple all those years ago.  And there was always a few areas of the clearing reminded her a lot of him.   

Those were some of the best days of Marina's life.  However their marriage lasted for such a short time.  Marina had lost her beloved nearly a month after they said 'I do.' to each other.  She was devastated back when she heard the news.  The grief of her loss went on for a few years.  

However she never wanted to be sad forever.  With the help of her friends at the palace, Marina's heart was healed and no longer was she depressed as she used to be.  More than a decade had gone by since, and Marina kept a stiff upper lip.  Her heart may no longer be broken, but she can never forget the happy times she and her husband spent.

She looked up into the sky and prayed, "It's another beautiful day, Robby.  Thanks for making it so perfect for the celebration."  

She opened the door to the old shack and reached up to a shelf to pull out a three foot long wooden pole and a small spyglass.  After she placed the pole into her belt like a sword she came over to the center of the clearing where an oak tree towered the hill.  High above her, a rope was tied off from a tree on one side and all the way to another tree on the hill.  Right in the center of the rope, dangling from a bungee cord, was a rubber ball the size of a grapefruit.  As Marina was heading for the center tree, she tapped on the dangling ball getting an idea of what her new day in the clearing was going to be like.  This was going to be a good adventure once again.

At the base of the tree trunk, Marina looked up at the branches and smirked as she spoke to herself, "Personal Explorer's Diary.  Marina Seadrift.  Day:  The Anniversary to the Reign of the Great Sorcerer.  Entry Number four forty-five.  Weather:  Clear. . . and perfect."  She paused as she hopped up to grab the lowest branch and pull herself up.  Once she was on the branch she continued to climb up while still speaking to herself, "My small island is quiet today.  It could be because of the peace this holiday brings.  Most likely I have left the pirates far behind me.  It's against many odds that they will come back here to find me.  Even if they do, let them come.  I have a score to settle with Teach."  

When she came to the branch that was at least fifteen feet off the ground, she stopped and sat down.  She licked her finger to test the wind.  She spoke, "Now. . . back to business.  Wind velocity. . . approximately. . . 2-4 miles per hour at least to the west.  Temperature. . . . mmm. . . at least low 80s.  It's a perfect day for them to come out.  This might be my lucky day for once.  Now for the search. . ."  As she spoke, the magic of her imagination changed the tree into the crow's nest of a solar schooner docked at a floating island in the Etherium.  The warm temperature of Magic Kingdom changed slowly to the cool of the limitless heaven.  

She opened the spyglass and gazed through it to see the stars in the distance seem much closer.  She searched a little to the left until she spotted an asteroid slowly rolling in its orbit around the world of Pelsinor.  When she spotted a small glow coming from a single spot on the rock, she gasped.

"A new herd!  A large one too!  It could be one of them!" She closed the glass and placed it in her belt.  "Coming down!"  She quickly started to climb back down the tree, while in her mind she was climb down the shrouds of her ship.  "My exploration might be complete today.  I must find Albus Papillion Lunaris immediately."  Once her feet were on the ground, she heard the voice of someone she knew only in her head.

"So, we meet again, Madam Seadrift."

Marina didn't turn around right away.  She closed her eyes and sighed with anger, "You again?"  She breathed in through her nose and smelled a foul stench of body odor and the smoke from lit cannon fuses.  After a slight twitch of the smell, she turned to see the evil eyes of an famous pirate.  It was Captain Edward 'Blackbeard' Teach, towering in height and surrounded by the black smoke lifting from the fuses tied to his thick beard making his looks more of a devil than a man.

"You've tracked me down again, Blackbeard," she glared at the pirate, whom in the real world had been dead for over two hundred years now.  What Marina was talking to was just the rubber ball on the bungee cord, but not in her child-like imagination that she kept her entire life.  She looked around the opening and cracked a smile, "You decided to come alone?  I always knew were crazy.  I just didn't think you were stupid."  She pulled the pole out of her belt and had it transform into a sword in her mind.  With a tight grip on the hilt, she slowly approached Blackbeard.  

A smile could be seen under his thick smoky beard as he chuckled, "It is you who be foolish to think you can fight me again an' win."

"You never can tell.  I might get lucky this once.  You are not going to interrupt my exploring again.  And believe me. . . once we're done with this. . . maybe I will get that treasure of yours."

"Har. . ." Blackbeard growled and drew out his cutlass.  "Only the devil and I know where that treasure be."

"We'll see about that!  If Maynard can defeat you, then I can do the same!"

And she jumped at Blackbeard swinging her sword at his neck, but he blocked her with his own blade.  Both of them jumped back from each other and circled a few steps.  Blackbeard leaped at Marina blade first, but she whacked his sword out of the way, and jumped out of his path.  Like a soaring eagle, Blackbeard came around Marina aiming for her back.  Marina spun around and blocked him once more.  Blackbeard gave everything he had to defeat Marina, but she was in perfect defense.  

Of course, outside the imagination, Marina was just whacking the ball on the bungee cord.  Every time the ball would come near her, she would knock it back.  But in Marina's mind, this seemed like the real thing.  Ever since she could remember, she had always made up such fantasies that could possibly happen in her future.   All her life she wanted to become a good explorer.  She spent most of her days walking through the forest studying the habits of nature and it's creatures.  Sometimes she would pretend the forest was a thick jungle of Africa while she is on the search for a lost Pygmy village in the mountains.  Even she and her husband would pretend to be sailing the Etherium alongside Admiral Nelson or Hawke.  It was the kind of adventure she longed for her entire life.  An adventure exploring all the natural wonders every galaxy had to offer.  

Right as Marina swung at the ball again, she missed and the bungee cord quickly wrapped around the pole.  In Marina's mind, she and Blackbeard had their blades crossed and were forcing their strength upon each other.  Blackbeard was a very strong man but his brutal muscle and size wasn't going to stop her.  The fumes of the smoke rising from his beard were choking her and bringing tears to her eyes, but this was a fight she had to win.

She spoke with a slight gag, "For the last time, Teach. . . stay out of my way!  This expedition is of no concern of yours!"

"Ha har!!" Blackbeard laughed.  "You forget you be on pirate territory, Madam.  Off the edge of map where there be monsters. . . . like meself."

"Your words don't scare me!"

Marina finally freed her sword and thrust the blade for his heartless chest.  He blocked and pushed her back.  She swung her sword at him again.  Just as she was about attack once more. . . something caught her eye.  Someone was entering the clearing at the lower part of the hill.  She stopped fighting and stood straight as all of the Etherium around her faded away and changed back into the familiar forest.  Her sword changed back into a wooden pole and Blackbeard hazed out like smoke leaving behind just the rubber ball circling her.  She looked down upon the figure at the bottom of the hill near the edge of the wood.  With it being a fair distance, she couldn't make out who it was.  The shape wasn't very familiar. . . but there was something odd about it.  Immediately, she took out her glass and looked through it.  The figure was spotted. . . and what she saw made her skin crawl and her heart leap to her throat.  

This large man was standing at the base of the clearing in a position like he was searching for something, but was frustrated with failure.  Marina notice at second glance that this person was not from around, but from the Terran Empire.  Without doubt he was an Ursid, with his features slightly similar to that of a bear of massive structure, barrel chest, and bulking muscles.  The first thing that caught her attention before recognition was not the space faring cloth he wore indicating that he may have been a spacer.  It was the right side of his body.  Where there was suppose to be an ear, an eye, an arm, and a leg were metal gears, flywheels, and ratchets clicking and whirling with his every move.  It was this what made Marina recognize this stranger.

"Captain John Silver. . . the cyborg!" she gasped as she lowered the spyglass.  That was when the circling rubber ball finally stopped after it bopped her in the side of the head.  "Ow!"

She gasped and covered her mouth from the sudden noise she made, but it was too late.  She didn't have to look through the glass to see it, but she knew that John Silver was looking straight at her.  The beating of her heart quickened when she noticed a tiny red light shining on her like a laser pointer.  Her breath shortened as she nearly expected this brutal pirate to switch his metal claw-like into his arm like a Swiss army knife and bring out a flintlock laser pistol.  This is something that he was known for ever since his famous mutiny on the RLS Legacy almost four years before.  

But instead, he just stood there staring up at her.

Marina took a step back wanting to make a run for it, but she was too afraid to make any sudden moves.  Just as she was about to take one other step--

"Marina."

She gasped in fear as she zipped around.  But it was only Mickey.

"Mick," she clutched her heart.

He walked up to her with a smile, "So, what did you explore this time, Ms. Magellan?  Did you go through the Turo Galaxy?  Or deep sea dive in the Aquatic Nebula?"

"Mickey!  There's a--" Marina turned to point out the cyborg pirate, but. . . there was no one down at the base of the hill.

Mickey was by her side when he looked where she was pointing.  When he saw nothing, he asked, "What?  What is it?"

"But. . . he was there!  He. . ."

"Who?"

"Captain John Silver!  He was standing right there a second ago."

"John Silver?  The cyborg?" Mickey blinked.  "Are you sure?  I don't see. . ."  He paused to look behind him and saw the rubber ball.  He smiled, "Oh, Marina.  I see.  Were you fighting pirates again?"

"Well. . . yes, but. . ." Marina looked at the ball rocking back and forth.  She could nearly see Blackbeard's face on it as he was laughing at her.  When it faded away, she thought out loud, "Did I really imagine it?"

"You could have," Mickey answered.  "Remember the last time?  You were telling us you were under attack by Captain Flint and his crew while you were exploring the Calyan Abyss."

Marina ran her fingers through her hair in confusion.  "Yeah, but it seemed so real."

"Marina, no true pirate would have guts enough to come this close to the palace.  And alone for that matter.  Even a brutal pirate like Captain Silver wouldn't stand a chance against our powers of protection.  Might as well have one single pirate ship going up against the entire Terran Navy."

"I guess you're right," she cracked a smile.  "I suppose it's a silly thought."  She sat down on the grass and sighed, "Oh, sometimes I wish my imagination wasn't so overactive.  Look at me.  I'm 32-years-old and I still use my imagination like a 5-year-old."

Mickey chuckled and place a hand on her shoulder, "There's nothing wrong with that.  You know very well that a good imagination is a wonderful thing.  Why, I've taught you that ever since you were. . . well, shorter than me.  Besides, without imagination, a true explorer wouldn't dream of what he hopes to discover next."  He took a hold of her hand, "And I think it's a good way of you to keep your mind off troubles.  You and Robert shared a few memories with such games."

Marina looked into his large round eyes and smiled back.  As Mickey helped her back up to her feet, he said, "Now let's get going.  We've got a lot to do for tonight."

"Yeah, I've gotta finish with the roses," she walked along side him hand in hand.

"And I want you to look your best in the new dress I got you."

"Okay."

As Mickey went on with how he felt the night was going to go, Marina looked behind her to the bottom of the hill.  She still saw nothing but grass and trees.  All the same, there was something inside her wondering if what she saw was all for real or not.
The updated first chapter of Faith of the Heart as promised.

I know you didn't see that coming.
Marina is now a young widow.
Since her husband has been dead for a long time, she's no longer in mourning as she use to be.
Marina still has a bit of imagination in her. It helps her keep her sadness off her mind. Kinda like how some people blow off steam by doing something else. Her biggest dream is to become an explorer and she's hoping one day to set out to find a certain species. But the one thing that keeps her in Fantasy Land is that she cannot draw out her sword without the boys being nearby.

I hope this update will be be enjoyable to everyone.

And I will soon submit a drawing of what Marina's late husband looks like and I will mention him some more in future chapters. I promise.

If there are any spelling or grammar errors, please tell.

EDIT!!! I took out the intro. Everyone pointed it out and I saw that it was pointless. I added a few things more about her first husband and all. And more will be mention later.


View Part 1 Gallery | Next Chapter


Owner Disclaimers:


Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Pluto Pup, Daisy Duck, Clarabelle Cow © The Walt Disney Company
John Silver © href="disney.com">The Walt Disney Company
Marina Seadrift © DisneyFan-01
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Add a Comment:
 
:icondezzydoesthings:
DezzyDoesThings Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2017
Nice start. I'm gonna binge this now lol
Reply
:iconrosemaiden92:
rosemaiden92 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2017
Really, I love Treasure Planet, and it was one of the biggest shames it was a bomb. Up there with Titan A.E, and Kubo and the Two Strings on animated masterpieces that shouldn't have bombed! I know more people prefer "Lilo And Stich" but I never did that much. Though I can relate to Lilo a lot. Treasure Planet is on my top 10 list of all time Disney Movies.

Anyway, I found this really interesting. It is nice to see the Disney Characters together. I have never played Kingdom Hearts. I think Marina is interesting with her imagination. But I wonder does she possibly have a mental illness? I do NOT mean that as an insult. As someone who struggles with mental illness myself I LOVE seeing disabled characters in any form of medium. Her imagination just seems very strong for someone her age. Does she have some minor Schizophrenia or even Autism?

Still, I like this so far. I will continue!
Reply
:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2017  Hobbyist Filmographer
Woo hoo.  Glad to know there are plenty of Treasure Planet fans around.  ^_^
I wouldn't say it's a mental illness.  She just has an overactive imagination that she uses to enhance her dreams of becoming an explorer and because it keeps her out of depression since the loss of her husband.
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:iconrosemaiden92:
rosemaiden92 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2017
Oh, so it is a coping mechanism. That is good to know.
Reply
:iconpattersonstudios:
PattersonStudios Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017
What does the Kingdom's flag look like?
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:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017  Hobbyist Filmographer
I've been thinking that over a lot. 
You can barely see the flag in the Disney opening.  All I can make out is some sort of seal or coat of arms.  It must be the same coat of arms seen at Cinderella's castle in Disneyworld.  In the center of the shield are three lions.  You can google it under the Disney Coat of Arms.
But I would prefer maybe Mickey's silhouette in the center of the coat.
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:iconpattersonstudios:
PattersonStudios Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017
Thanks that helped. :D
Reply
:iconyoniswolf:
YonisWolf Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2016
I found an error in the story: The fact that it exists
Reply
:iconmagani1996:
Magani1996 Featured By Owner Edited Jun 19, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I found an error in your comment: The fact that it is hateful without purpose.
Reply
:iconyoniswolf:
YonisWolf Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2016
k
Reply
:iconchaosphantom444:
ChaosPhantom444 Featured By Owner Edited Jul 10, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
All time reader, first time commenter. This is a nice start for your series. I find your character Marina to be interesting fun. Thanks again for the use of her in my stories.
Reply
:iconsuburbantimewaster:
suburbantimewaster Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2015
Hi, I came here through :iconChaos-Phantom444: because I want to read his story and I was told that it was set in your universe.  It's better than what I've heard, but Marina seems a little too happy-go-lucky for a widow.  I'm quite familiar with the Marina controversy and how people didn't believe that a 30-year-old woman could still be a virgin.  I don't think it was the fact that she was a virgin that made her unbelievable, but that you didn't give a believable reason.  Maybe you could say that Marina has trouble with social concepts that come so easily to others.  That's why she likes to put herself in a world of make-believe.  You can still say that Marina dated in the past but it didn't work out due to Marina's struggles with socializing and she was afraid of going all the way.  In other words, a late-bloomer.  Look up stories on the internet, and you'll see that it's actually true.  I think it would be an interesting concept to explore and I'm sure it would make her relatable to plenty of people on deviantart.  Maybe you can change Marina playing to her writing a story in her diary because she's having trouble socializing at the party and it's just easier for her to withdraw into her own world.  You can have her hear a noise but not see John Silver, assuming she imagined it.  I can see you have potential and I would hate for it to go to waste.
Reply
:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015  Hobbyist Filmographer
I never could understand why so many people couldn't believe that a person would still be a virgin at a certain age.  Are we all suppose to lose our virginity with our high school sweethearts and every guy we date?  I don't see what the big deal is.  I mean, in all honesty, I'm 29 and I've never done it.  I don't even like dating that much, but that could be just a phase on me.  Either I'm waiting for the right guy or saving myself for my wedding night because I am a bit on the religious side and find premarital sex a sin at times.  I dunno.  We all have our different opinions on others and our own virginity I guess. 
Anywho, I made Marina into a widow to help develop her character a bit better.  It works a little here and there.  The reason why she's too happy-go-lucky is her environment.  The day she lost her husband was  the worst day you could imagine for her.  With her heart broken for so long and shedding tears for him almost every day, her friends and family stayed by her side for comfort and that really helped.  And besides, don't you think if person was raised by Mickey and the gang, they would be a little happy-go-lucky?  Marina just likes to use her imagination to keep her mind off her sadness and other things like that. 
Reply
:iconsuburbantimewaster:
suburbantimewaster Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015
All right, I guess I'll see how that goes.
Reply
:icongambitx18:
gambitx18 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2015
I've been a fan of your work for a while, but this is the first time reading the story, AND I LOVE IT!!!
Reply
:iconpumpkinqueen13:
PumpkinQueen13 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Student General Artist
Also, I shall be critiquing most if not all of your stories.  Hopefully they won't be exceedingly long, but I hope that my critiquing will assist you in some way. :)
Reply
:iconpumpkinqueen13:
PumpkinQueen13 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Student General Artist
*critiques
Reply
:iconpumpkinqueen13:
PumpkinQueen13 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Student General Artist
I must say that I truly enjoyed reading this chapter, I'll be sure to read on when I have the chance. :)

However, there were loads of things that have caught my eye while I was detailing the chapter:

>> I think you have done well with putting a little bit of Marina's backstory into this by saying how she is a widow but has mostly gotten over her husband's death in order to move forward with her life.  That is a good input.
>> Whether you are 5, 32, or 100, imagination doesn't stop for anyone. (Heck, I'm 21 and I still enjoy watching Nickelodeon cartoons and such) It is nice to see Marina's vivid imagination coming to life through a reader's perspective.


A few pointers though, because I've noticed a lot of grammatical errors as well as some sentences that didn't make sense altogether.  Take this advice if your heart desires:

++ Whenever you are writing regularly (without quotations), you must try to avoid using ellipses "..." in the middle of a sentence; it is best to use ellipses in quotations.  (The only exception to this would be if you are trying to insert a dramatic pause in a tense situation; in quotations, try to limit the use of ellipses unless the characters are short of breath, otherwise use commas, semicolons, and colons to have the sentences flow like a steady river.)



If she ever had the chance to actually sail, there wasn’t a doubt she would run into the dangers that lurked in the shadows—dangers such as pirates.  The only thing that held her back was her inability to fight the way she was trained with her real sword unless she was within range of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.


Right as Marina swung at the ball again, she missed and the bungee cord quickly wrapped around the pole.  In Marina’s mind, she and Blackbeard had their blades crossed and were forcing their strength upon each other.  Blackbeard was a very strong man but his brutal muscle and size wasn’t going to stop her.  The fumes of the smoke rising from his beard were toxic and brought tears to her eyes, but this was a fight she had to win.


++ The words in bold completely threw me off in the middle of the imaginative intense swordfight between Marina and Blackbeard.  You are explaining her role as an explorer who uses their imagination. (You have already explained her role as an explorer in previous paragraphs and bringing it up again in the wrong spot doesn't make it flow right.  If you choose, you may place the bold parts that I've specified back to where you were explaining Marina's personality, give or take a few word changes here and there.)


++ "Alongside" is one word.


++ My last and final advice to you would be if given the chance sometime, when you look over your previous parts and sections, that you read the chapter aloud to yourself and determine whether a sentence sounds right or whether it could use a few word changes.


That is all, my dear~ I hope to see more of your work later on in my free time,


From a Disney Fan to another

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:iconromancefreak:
RomanceFreak Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ooooh, I'm enraptured in this story already! I'm excited!
Reply
:iconfragmented-shadows:
Fragmented-Shadows Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah, I keep coming back to this chapter. :heart: Very nice intro! And I like that Marina's a little crazy. It keeps things interesting. XD

One thing I could mention, could you put links to the next chapters in your author's notes? That's what I do with my fanfics, and it makes it a lot easier when there's, say, fifty-odd chapters to read. :D
Reply
:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
I'll do that. ;)
Reply
:iconfragmented-shadows:
Fragmented-Shadows Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yay! :D It just makes it easier for people like me to read. This is a really good fanfic by the way, I'm enjoying it alot. :heart:
Reply
:iconbigdisneyfan23:
Bigdisneyfan23 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Student Filmographer
I like this version better but in my opinion I liked the idea of her not having a history of marrige. Maybe a broken heart. But this is just my opinion. And if I keep reading maybe I'll like the idea of it. XD still love your stories and art.
Reply
:iconjokers-harlequin:
Jokers-Harlequin Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
The comment below this one says everything I wanted to say. Bravo, ~silverlionwolf. That was genius, and it saved me a lot of time trying to put my feelings into words. XD

And why not make Marina totally schitzo?? That would be ... cool, actually. XD
Reply
:iconsilverlionwolf:
silverlionwolf Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2012
Greetings, Disneyfan. I know you don't know who I am, but I have been looking at your story for some time, and this is the first time I've left a comment. I don't know why I suddenly wanted to comment, but I guess I felt like giving you some advice...

I read some old versions of your story, and let me tell you that you have been improving quite a lot. I hope you don't mind me leaving a critique of your latest revision of this chapter, because despite it being a huge improvement from earlier versions, it still has it's issues.

Let me talk about your main character; much like the story she is in, Marina's character has improved quite a bit with all the changes you gave her... or at least she would have if those changes had actually affected her character. In this latest revision, you introduce her as a thirty-two year old widow dealing with the loss of her husband, I thought this was a brilliant asset to the character: now she had an actual conflict in her life, and the story would revolve around her getting over her grief and learning to love another man! This was brilliant, and yet you tossed it out the window by saying that she got over her husband's death already. What a waste. I mean, why did you do that?

Also, I have a problem with Marina's so-called imagination, because by the way you describe it, it seems like Marina has a mental illness of some sort; she appears to be delusional and maybe even schizophrenic. Again, this has the potential to make Marina more compelling, but you don't give any explanation to why she acts like this, and the way the other characters react to her "imagination" is unrealistic (trust me, even if Marina was a child, her adoptive family would and should be worried that the kid apparently has trouble differentiating fiction from reality). Marina's behavior could be explained as a means to deal with the death of her husband, but since you claim that she got over the loss, then this tendency to act like a child seems very pointless; there appears to be no reason for it.

I'm going to read the rest of the story, and I may post more advice if I feel there's something off about your story. I'm just hoping it isn't as episodic and Kingdom Hearts-esque as your earlier versions were.

I hope my advice was helpful, even if a little. Keep trying with your story, because you are improving, and you are sure to get even better if you keep trying.
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:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
I didn't write that she was COMPLETELY over her husband's death. She's just passed the stage of a widow where she would cry nearly every minute or every time something of her husband is brought up like seeing his picture or the mention of his name. She still misses him and will later learn that he would want her to find someone else so she wouldn't be alone.
And, she is a little schizophrenic. Not seriously, but just a little. I researched this and found that it can happen to a person with a big imagination. It's not a threat to one's life or anything, but can be seen as something playful like a child pretending to be something else. Besides, this is one of her flaws.
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:iconsilverlionwolf:
silverlionwolf Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2012
Oh, well. You say she has only passed the first stage of losing her beloved, this is fine, but the way you put it in the story implied that she had gotten over it completely. My bad, I guess.

Well, Marina being schizophrenic is fine, but remember, if you are going to use that as a character flaw, then you should treat it as such: make Marina try to improve her condition, make the other characters treat her schizophrenia seriously and make them try to help her differentiate reality from her delusions, make your character improve her schizophrenia as a form of development.

Thanks for taking time for reading my comment.
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:icongeminidrake:
geminidrake Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2012  Student Artist
It's been a while since I got around to reading and viewing your work. This is definitely a surprise twist compared to the original version I read a year or so ago. I like the idea that Marina was married at one point, it's going to be a good plot twist when she starts to have her feelings for Silver. I can't wait for that. Keep it up.
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:iconartfromtheheart92:
artfromtheheart92 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012  Student General Artist
:jawdrop: Whoa! That was a real surprise! :iconclappingplz:
Did you have the part where Marina isn't sure whether or not she imagined Silver before in this series of Faith of the Heart? Anyhow, I like the imagery that you have starting from "The sun was warm on her face..."
I'm not entirely sure but the part where it says "Those were some of the best days of Marina's life. However their marriage lasted for less than five years" I think you could maybe combine those two sentences like say "of Marina's life; however their marriage..."
It just seemed kind of choppy...well, not entirely choppy but it's good to have a bit of sentence variety.
If I sound nit-picky or something here please forgive me.
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:iconthelastunicorn1985:
TheLastUnicorn1985 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really enjoyed this Andrea!:clap: and you're right, I didn't see it coming at all lols :XD: but this is very interesting for Marina to be a widower!:nod: and I am anxious to learn more about Robert and see a picture of him too!:clap: Are there things about Robert and John that are similar? Like personality-wise? te he just curious.:aww:
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:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
Oh, Robert will be mentioned a bit more later on, like when Silver asks Marina about her life.
There isn't much to compare in similarities. Robert was a royal guard while Silver is a pirate. But Marina later finds that Silver has something that she always fell for in a man. Green eyes (even though he only has one.)
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:iconthelastunicorn1985:
TheLastUnicorn1985 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh ok neat!:clap:
and awww, Silver green eye is quite beautiful!:aww:
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:iconmickeysapprentice:
MickeysApprentice Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
Marina's a widow? :O Wow! That's certainly a change! :D
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:iconmadame-cecilia:
Madame-Cecilia Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Student Artist
I didn't read the whole thing, the wall of text made my eyes hurt. It might help to double-space this piece to make it easier to read on the internet.

Elayne pretty much gave you the best advice when it came to grammar. Others have already said everything I had already thought.

One big thing you need to work on is how wordy some sentences are. Like this part towards the end.
"He took a hold of her hand and added"

It would probably be better written like this, "He took her hand,"
Short, simple and to the point. It's obvious he is still talking to her. A quick break to show some action isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't need to be exaggerated.

Remember, sometimes less is more.

The entire top paragraph needs to go. Those details would be better told throughout the story, not right off the bat. We, the reader, shouldn't know everything right away. Give us a reason to keep guessing and reading.

Also, work on the showing vs. telling rule. It's one of the hardest things to work on, but the reward is great. It might help to read books about writing as a whole.

As for Marina, I won't touch that. Everyone else has already said enough I should think.
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:icondoktorschnitzel:
DoktorSchnitzel Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012
I am usually just a lurker, I am not able to comment on drawing skills as my drawings are all terrible parody stuff in MS paint :D but writing is something I am familiar with so I'll give my opinion.

People here complain that Marina is too immature for a 30 year old woman, and I agree, she is too immature. I think it could be made to work though if this immaturity was portrayed as abnormal and strange in the eyes of other characters (not that everyone would hate her for it, but perhaps some find it kind of irritating). Perhaps Marina has such a sheltered background that she never really matured properly. She could have been the perfect example of the pure and innocent disney girl who talks to animals, sings about her dreams of "something more", and finds her prince. The dead husband could work, his mention in the beginning is a bit rushed but in the story in general I think it is more plausible. It could be like Marina had her fairy tale romance and wedding like the disney princesses yet it didn't end at happily ever after, her husband died and she had to move back home because she couldn't cope without him. Then perhaps Marina retreated further into her childlike imagination to try and cope, started acting like she was still the young girl she was before meeting her husband in order to keep a brave face. I'm simply thinking of a disney princess who didn't have her perfect ending and is subconsciously coping by reverting back into her innocent pre-marital self.

This would allow Marina to be childish but at the same time make it a flaw of hers that she needs to overcome somewhat. It just would need to be reflected in the writing that this is an unusual trait, not something that you'd see as normal in a 30-something woman.

Just my opinion though.
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:iconartificus:
artificus Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist
wonderful idea :nod:
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:icondoktorschnitzel:
DoktorSchnitzel Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012
Thank you :)
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:iconzeldaqueen64:
ZeldaQueen64 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012
Like people have said, the opening paragraph seems unnecessary as it is. That said, what you are using it for - a brief glimpse into Marina's thoughts before switching to third person - has potential. Perhaps if it were meant to be words from the future, spoken by an older, more mature Marina, it would work better. It would also make the opening a little more gripping, because that way you could draw in the readers by hinting about what is to come.

A lot of the information about Marina's past is rushed, and I personally would save it for a little later in the fanfiction. It really sounds more like what Marina would say, perhaps, if she and another character were sitting and talking while on guard duty together during the adventure or something.

The deceased husband is a good addition, but it's something else that should be woven in a little more smoothly. Instead of just saying "I married my beloved Robert and then he died in a war", the story flow would go at a nicer pace to introduce him gradually, for example "'Home is nice, but there is nothing like seeing the world,' Robert always told me. Ah, my poor, beloved Robert!" And then, later in the fic, it would be revealed that Robert was Marina's husband, and that he died in the war.

I will also say that the addition of Robert makes me wonder if Marina's overly cheerful attitude is a bit of a mask, especially if, say, he had been drawn to her sunny nature and she was determined to honor his memory by keeping on a brave face. It would also explain her great desire to travel, especially there was something like she and Robert had been planning to go exploring together, but he died before they had a chance. Don't hesitate to develop the relationship Marina had with her husband. It will deepen her character and make her more interesting.

So all in all, your story has a lot of potential. You just need to keep your eyes open for opportunities for the characters.

One last thing, which I've noticed in your fanfiction and with the illustrated sections you did. Before you go through this story, you should sit down and figure out exactly what tone you are going for. I was reading through your Scars of a Cyborg, and it looks like you're interested in doing a bit of a darker, grittier Disney story. There is nothing wrong with that, but just remember that if you do that, you can't necessarily fall back on other Disney tropes. For example, Disney has long been adamant about not implying sex with their characters, hence why romances tend to end with hugs and kisses. As a result, their characters act like people who are ending romance with a kiss. If you want your characters to have sex (and there is nothing wrong with that, like I said), you have to remember to write your characters accordingly.
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:iconvictorianpaperangel:
VictorianPaperAngel Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is my live?
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:iconelaynedacrazypenguin:
ElayneDaCrazyPenguin Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I see you changed the first line, but I'm afraid it isn't much better. It's just jumping from one cliche to another. Also, I think you mean 'life', not 'live'.

You really need to grab the audience's attention with the first line. 'This is my life' is just such a... generic, bland, and trite statement. It makes me think 'And this is mine, what's your point?'.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again; The first paragraph is just needless exposition. It would probably be best if you got rid of it altogether.

Also, (and I've been meaning to ask you this for a while), is this story about how Marina and Silver fell in love? Or is it a sub-plot? Is it about saving the world(s) from the Nightmares?
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:icondisneyfan-01:
DisneyFan-01 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
I just keep thinking of how so many stories have such a great beginning with just a simple sentence. "Call me Ishmael." "It was the best of times. . ." ect.
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:iconvictorianpaperangel:
VictorianPaperAngel Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
We've had this conversation before. "Call me Ishmael" is him requesting to be thought of and addressed as the Bible character. He's likening himself to that figure. We don't actually know his name. He's not stating his name. It's not a simple opening line at all.
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:iconzeldaqueen64:
ZeldaQueen64 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012
A simple opening sentence can work, but the trick is to have what comes immediately after be spicy or catchy or attention-grabbing.

I think the other thing is that "This is my life" is kind of awkward in the context of what comes after. Something like "This story is my life" might work better. That, or laying out a scenario and ending with "This is my life".

Now, a point-blank statement is a very good way of giving insight into Marina's mind, or the situation she is in. For example, something like "I was raised in a castle and may die on a pirate ship" is a simple enough statement, but it's one that raises questions from the start. Who is this person that she was raised in a castle? How did she get from there to a pirate ship? Why is she going to die? How did this all happen? It leaves your story open for possibilities, and keeps your readers interested as they wait to see what will happen.

The tricky thing about giving information in the opening of a story is what information you give. One detail might ruin the entire ending and leave your readers bored. Another detail will be just cryptic and confusing enough that it will keep the readers guessing until the end, when the pieces all fall into place.
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:iconelaynedacrazypenguin:
ElayneDaCrazyPenguin Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes, but 'Call me Ishmael' and 'It was the best of times...' are not trite or bland. They both tell us something about the story. 'Call me Ishmael' tells us, as stated, that Ishmael is indeed not his name. Word choice is very important.

As with 'It was the best of times...'. I love Dickens, and this is one of my favorite opening lines. He says 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness...' and etc. all these contradictions. It was a big political statement about how every era is something special and that something special depends on what side you're on. By the way (in my version at least) this is not a simple opening line. It goes on for quite a while.

Your line is merely 'This is my life.'. The questions I ask are 'What about it?' and 'Why should I care?'. It's not very gripping, so I wouldn't normally read the rest, but since I planned to critique your grammar I went ahead. By the end of the paragraph, I read nothing that justified the statement 'This is my life.' being your opening line.
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:iconslytherinsheiress:
SlytherinsHeiress Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Professional Writer
^This.

Writing a great opening line is difficult, but not impossible.
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:iconelaynedacrazypenguin:
ElayneDaCrazyPenguin Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Student General Artist
Yeah, it seems like she saw the comments complaining about 'My name is Marina Seadrift' and wrote that line right before she went to work or something. She even spelled 'life' wrong. It's obvious she could do better.
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:iconslytherinsheiress:
SlytherinsHeiress Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeah. Again...she could just omit that whole section. It doesn't need to be there. She should pace herself when delivering information, as it's never a good idea to throw all your cards down at the table at once. It's better to reveal things slowly in order to keep the reader reading. That would be like revealing the big plot twist in The Sixth Sense right away, you know? And what would the point be in watching the rest of the movie if you a) already know what's going to happen and b) if all the big plot twists are revealed at the beginning? :)
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:iconelaynedacrazypenguin:
ElayneDaCrazyPenguin Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Student General Artist
I agree, this whole section has bugged me for a while. I mean, it's one thing to set up your world and how it works and try to get the audience familiar with your setting, but it's another to say 'This is what's happening and why and here's some other stuff that won't really be relevant but I'll put it in anyway'. I mean, I struggle with balancing exposition in my comic, but I like to think I'm not just spoon-feeding the audience information like this.

And I just got this hilarious mental image of 'The Sixth Sense' opening with Bruce Willis turning to the camera and saying 'Btdubz, I'm dead, guys. Just a heads up.'.
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:iconslytherinsheiress:
SlytherinsHeiress Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Bruce Willis doing that is pretty much the equivalent of this first italicized section. ;) No offense...

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:iconsaywhut777:
saywhut777 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012
Why did you write that prologue? It ruined the rest og the chapter for me. You give away too much from the start. Ever thought of using flashbacks? very nice way slowly and subtly reveal a characters backstory. That is, you should do it in the story, not in the first ten paragraphs.
The last line in prologue blatantly tells us what the main plot will be about, it killed any kind of suspense for me.

When a woman has experienced first the death of a parent, marriage and then the death of a husband she claimed to love, I would expect them to she effected by it. At best, she would be more mature than usual and not take things for granted the way people who has not suffered any loses sometimes do. At worst they would be traumatized and bitter towards life. Marina's childish happy-go-lucky attitude makes no sense. It seems like you have just thrown in a tragic past to make your character more likeable.

The scene Mickey holds Marina's hand and walks her back is downright creepy. Sorry, there IS somethings wrong with having the mind of a 5 year old and being in your thirties. There is also something wrong with such a person still living with her parents and not only do they treat her like a child, they even praise it? do they not care about her mental development?
No matter how you excuse her behaviour, it's still creepy.
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